Quote Dump – Grey’s Anatomy

At some point, you have to make a decision. Boundaries don’t keep people out; they fence you in. Life is messy, that’s how we’re made. So you can waste your life drawing lines or you can live your life crossing them. But there are some lines that are way too dangerous to cross. Here’s what I know: If you’re willing to take the chance, the view from the other side is spectacular.

~

Sex, drugs, skydiving – it’s strange that the things we do for a thrill in order to make ourselves feel alive are the same things that may kill us. The same is true when it comes to human relationships: The people we love the most are the ones capable of hurting us the most deeply.

Our body feels pain to warn us of danger, but it also reminds us we’re alive, that we can still feel. That’s why some of use seek it out, while others choose to numb it. Solitude has always been my analgesic of choice. But what if feeling nothing is the worst pain of all? What if the sharing of pain connects us to others, and reminds us that none of us is alone, as long as we can feel?

~

Intimacy is a four-syllable word for “here are my heart and soul, please grind them into hamburger and enjoy.” It’s both desired and feared, difficult to live with, and impossible to live without. Intimacy also comes attached to life’s three Rs: relatives, romance, and roommates. There are some things you can’t escape, and some things you just don’t wanna know.

I wish there were a rule book for intimacy, some kind of guide that can tell you when you’ve crossed the line. It would be nice if you could see it coming, but I don’t know how you fit it on a map. You take it where you can get it and keep it as long as you can. And as for rules, maybe there are none. Maybe the rules of intimacy are something you have to define for yourself.

~

Remember when you were a kid and your biggest worry was, like, if you’d get a bike for your birthday, if you get to eat cookies for breakfast? Being an adult? Totally overrated. … Adulthood is responsibility. Responsibility really does suck. Really, really sucks. Adults have to be at places, do errands, earn a living, pay the rent. … The scariest part about responsibility is when you screw up and let it slip right through your fingers.

Unfortunately, once you get past the age of braces and training bras, responsibility doesn’t go away. It can’t be avoided. Either someone makes us face it, or we suffer the consequences. And still, adulthood has its perks: The shoes, the sex, no parents telling you what to do. That’s pretty damn good.

~

A couple hundred years ago, Benjamin Franklin share with the world the secret of his success: “Never leave that till tomorrow,” he said, “what you can do today.” This is the man who discovered electricity. You’d think more of us would listen to what he had to say. I don’t know why we put things off, but if I had to guess, I’d say it has a lot to do with fear – fear of failure, fear of pain, fear of rejection. Sometimes, the fear of just making a decision because what if you’re wrong? What if you’re making a mistake you can’t undo? Whatever it is we’re afraid of, one things holds true – if, by the time the pain of not doing a thing gets worse than the fear of doing it, it can feel like we’re carrying around a giant tumor. And you thought I was speaking metaphorically.

The early bird catches the worm. A stitch in time saves nine. He who hesitates is lost. We can’t pretend we haven’t been told. We’ve all heard the proverbs, heard the philosophers, heard our grandparents warning us about wasted time, heard the damn poets urging us to seize the day. Still, sometimes, we have to see for ourselves. We have to make our own mistakes. We have to sweep today’s possibility under tomorrow’s rug until we can’t anymore, until we finally understand ourselves what Benjamin Franklin meant, that knowing is better than wondering, that waking is better than sleeping , and that even the biggest failure, even the worst, most intractable mistakes beat the hell out of never trying.

~

It’s funny how our perceptions can be so off, like when you’re looking for a place to fit in and you don’t even realize you’ve been there the whole time, or how a bunch of posters can’t turn you into a role model if you’ve already been one for years.

 

Hello

*Edit: This was originally about trying to stay positive but not even a day later, the loneliness is still there so whatever.

My parents and my brother. One high school best friend. One friend who’s in Alaska. One college best friend. One cousin. And that girl I started orientation with at work who’s also celebrating on the same day (though technically she doesn’t count because I reminded her).

That’s it. Out of everyone I know in life, out of everyone whom I considered close friends, only them.

I know I suck at communicating and keeping in touch and I know I’m horribly awkward but damn it, this is not helping my below-floor-level self-esteem in any way. I already feel lonely because I’m so far away from a lot of people I care about, but above all, I feel unimportant and forgotten.

I wonder if I ever crossed other people’s minds even in small moments throughout their days. I wonder if they remember me in the little things they see around them.

I wonder if I’m remembered at all.

There’s not a lot of you, but thanks to everyone who remembered. And thanks, Google.

In Other News

I failed my driving test.

Well, it’s just the first try, and I still have two more attempts before I have to pay again and retake the written test.

But still..

I feel so upset with myself because at first, I was feeling anxious but kinda confident. Both feelings intensified when the girl from the same driving school as mine finished her test yet unfortunately failed. By then I was trying to give myself a pep talk to reduce the nervousness.

But nope. If I made a critical error during my lesson last Friday by making a right turn despite the oncoming traffic, this time, I made a critical error during the actual test by making a left turn despite the oncoming traffic. As much as I’d like to blame my instructor (who taught me only during my first and last lesson; I had a different instructor in-between and I like him much better) who kept telling me yesterday and this morning that, “You drive too slow,” “You drive too safe,” and “Just go,” in the end, I was the one who made the mistake and I have to own up to it.

However, aside from not being used to failure after my vow of getting my shit together once I got to America, what really bothers me right now are the expenses. I’ve calculated how much has been spent on my lessons and for this test (because we pay almost twice the amount for a normal lesson if we use the driving school’s car for the test) and the total is already $610. Like shit, that’s almost half what my mom makes in a month. Now my dad’s jobless, and so am I and I have no idea what area I’m supposed to look for one because I also have no idea if we’re supposed to move or what because my dad’s facility is officially closed and up for sale so once someone buys it he has to move his stuff.

And now I have to take more lessons because I couldn’t get that instructor’s voice in my head about me being too fucking careful because I don’t want to die or kill anyone while driving?

I’m sorry, Mom, Dad. 😦

On a more positive note, another friend called me and said he passed the NCLEX! We’re so happy because everyone (including him) was worried about his results because he wasn’t really doing well in class until he got his shit together (kind of) and improved little by little. I think it was also nice how I was among the people he called before he sent a group message to the rest of our classmates to say that he passed. So yeah, congrats, dude. 🙂

Ghosts

“Oh look, isn’t this one pretty?” Mom said, motioning to a painting of an odd assortment of shapes and colors.

“Um, yeah, really..pretty..” I replied without much sincerity. Of course, she didn’t notice and we moved on.

This morning, she excitedly announced that a friend of hers gave her a pair of tickets to the opening exhibit of a local art museum. When we heard this, Dad and I looked at each other; as far as we knew, none of use were really interested in that kind of activity so we were wondering where her sudden enthusiasm came from. But then again, we rarely saw her be enthusiastic about anything so we let her be.

And then she asked who wanted to go with her. Dad and I looked at each other again. Unfortunately, he already had an excuse ready so Mom then turned her hopeful look at me. I honestly wasn’t feeling well at the time but hey, who could say no to their mom?

And so the two of us went. And now we were here. And now I was kinda regretting the decision because what started as a faint twitching in my head was now a full-blown pounding headache. However, I still tried to act like everything was okay because I didn’t want to wipe that smile off Mom’s face, especially since she looked genuinely interested in the art pieces we’ve been looking at and everything that the tour guide had been saying. Still, this didn’t stop a part of me from wishing that this whole thing would finish already.

Rubbing my temples in an attempt to stop the oncoming wave of pain, I took several deep breaths and steadied myself before following Mom and the rest of the small group being toured.

~

After what seemed like forever (actually it was half an hour), the tour was over and we were free to roam the place on our own or go home. Thankfully, Mom chose the latter.

There was a bus stop right in front of the new museum so that was where I waited while she grabbed some drinks from the vending machine inside. Most of the other guests either stayed inside some more or had their own cars so I was alone in waiting.

The pain in my head came in slow, dull waves now. But of course, sometimes life just sucks so not even a minute later, a really powerful and painful wave came, like I got kicked on the side of the head. In fact, I wouldn’t even be surprised if that was what really happened because I actually staggered sideways and fell to the ground because my legs gave up on me.

At this point, my vision were blurry from the tears that came because of the pain. Still, I managed to see something like a red blob in front of me. Wiping the tears away, I looked up to see a red tour bus (the ones with a second deck) in front of me, which then started driving away.

That wasn’t the bus Mom and I were gonna catch (though it is curious how it got here and why it stopped in front of me) so I just slowly stood up and let it go on its merry way. However, I then noticed something about the lone two passengers on the upper deck of the bus:

It was Aaron and Tiffany.

I’m not sure if my body wanted to follow but I took a step forward, and that was when I felt something ice-cold against my cheek. Startled, I turned and saw Mom sipping from her can of Coke while she pressed a water bottle to my cheek.

“Th-Thanks..” I said and took the bottle from her hands. I looked back to where the bus was but it was already gone.

“What’s wrong?” she asked. “You look like you just saw a ghost.”

A ghost? Yeah, perhaps it was all an illusion my mind tricked me into seeing.

“Yeah, maybe.”

Quote Dump – Movies

“How do you pick up the threads of an old life? How do you go on..when in your heart you begin to understand..there is no going back? There are some things that time cannot mend..some hurts that go too deep..that have taken hold.”
-Frodo Baggins, LOTR: The Return of the King

~

Charlie: Why do nice people choose the wrong person to date?
Mr. Anderson: … We accept the love we think we deserve.
Charlie: Can we make them know that they deserve more?
Mr. Anderson: We can try.
-Perks of Being a Wallflower

~

“We can’t choose where we come from, but we can choose where to go from there.”
-Perks of Being a Wallflower

~

“So I raise a morphine toast to you all. And if you should happen to remember, it’s the anniversary of my birth. Remember that you were loved by me and that you made my life a happy one. And there’s no tragedy in that.”
-James, Third Star

Quote Dump – HIMYM

“Sometimes things have to fall apart to make way for newer and better things.”
-Ted Mosby

~

“We’ve all done bad things, but it doesn’t mean we’re bad people.”
-Kevin

~

“Sometimes you fall for someone you never expect, but that doesn’t make it wrong. Doesn’t everyone deserve to be happy?”
-Barney Stinson

~

“You can’t cling to the past. Because no matter how tightly you hold on, it’s already gone.”
-Ted Mosby

~

“You will be shocked when you discover how easy it is in life to part ways with people forever. That’s why when you find someone you want to keep around, you do something about it.”
-Ted Mosby

Quote Dump – Mitch Albom

“Going back to something is harder than you think.”
-Posey Benetto, For One More Day

~

“Fairness does not govern life and death. If it did, no good person would ever die young.”
-Blue Man, Five People You Meet in Heaven

~

“It is because the human spirit knows, deep down, that all lives intersect. That death doesn’t just take someone, it misses someone else, and in the small distance between being taken and being missed, lives are changed. You say you should have died instead of me. But during my time on earth, people died instead of me, too. It happens every day. When lightning strikes a minute after you are gone, or an airplane crashes that you might have been on. When your colleague falls ill and you do not. We think such things are random. But there is a balance to it all. One withers, another grows. Birth and death are part of a whole.”
-Blue Man, Five People You Meet in Heaven

~

“Strangers are just family you have yet to come to know.”
-Blue Man, Five People You Meet in Heaven

~

“No life is a waste. The only time we waste is the time we spend thinking we are alone.”
-Blue Man, Five People You Meet in Heaven

~

“Sacrifice is a part of life. It’s supposed to be. It’s not something to regret. It’s something to aspire to. Little sacrifices. Big sacrifices. A mother works so her son can go to school. A daughter moves home to take care of her sick father.”
-The Captain, Five People You Meet in Heaven

~

“Sometimes when you sacrifice something precious, you’re not really losing it. You’re just passing it on to someone else.”
-The Captain, Five People You Meet in Heaven

~

Parents rarely let go of their children, so children let go of them. They move on. They move away. The moments that used to define them – a mother’s approval, a father’s nod – are covered by moments of their own accomplishments. It is not until much later, as the skin sags and the heart weakens, that children understand; their stories, and all their accomplishments, sit atop the stories of their mothers and fathers, stones upon stones, beneath the waters of their lives.
-Five People You Meet in Heaven

~

“Learn this from me. Holding anger is a poison. It eats you from inside. We think that hating is a weapon that attacks the person who harmed us. But hatred is a curved blade. And the harm we do, we do to ourselves.”
-Ruby, Five People You Meet in Heaven

~

People say they “find” love, as if it were an object hidden by a rock. But love takes many forms, and it is never the same for any man and woman. What people find then is a certain love.
-Five People You Meet in Heaven

~

Love, like rain, can nourish from above, drenching couples with a soaking joy. But sometimes, under the angry heat of life, love dries on the surface and must nourish from below, tending to its roots, keeping itself alive.
-Five People You Meet in Heaven

~

“Lost love is still love, Eddie. It takes a different form, that’s all. You can’t see their smile or bring them food or tousle their hair or move them around a dance floor. But when those senses weaken, another heightens. Memory. Memory becomes your partner. You nurture it. You hold it. You dance with it. Life has to end. Love doesn’t.
-Five People You Meet in Heaven

Random Quote Dump

Never push a loyal person to the point where they no longer care.

~

Love is a weird thing. Like you just pick a human and you’re like, ‘Yes, I like this one. I’ll let this one ruin my life forever.’

~

Don’t fall too much, don’t love too much, don’t give too much, and don’t expect too much because that too much can hurt you so much.

~

Marriage isn’t for you. You don’t marry to make yourself happy, you marry to make someone else happy. More than that, your marriage isn’t for yourself, you’re marrying for a family. Not just for the in-laws and all of that nonsense, but for your future children. Who do you want to help you raise them? Who do you want to influence them? Marriage isn’t for you. It’s not about you. Marriage is about the person you married.

~

Now, there is no app you can download to find The One. You have to live your life with an open heart and, more important, an open head. Someone once told me that dating is like being alone on a deserted island: Every day you make a fire and hope that a ship sees you and comes to the rescue. Then one day you think, Forget it,, this is never going to happen, and you give up. You don’t make a fire that night. And that’s the night a ship sails by.

Don’t miss those opportunities – always light your fire!

~

You can love many people, but at the end of the day, the love you need to choose is the love that, even if you close your heart to, still moves you. The love you still write about. The love you can’t face. The love you’re still not okay with losing, that you’re angry about; the love that uprooted your life and contorted your being. The love you ran away from because it showed you who you are without the guise of worth given from someone else. This is love because these are all signs that you are closing your heart and to be doing so, there has to be something going through you for you to be able to close off. Real love will be the love you realize that remains even after you close your heart to it, because it sustains itself. It drives you forward. It brings up all the unhealed parts of you that you have to reconcile.

Projection

It was a nice day outside. The sun wasn’t shining too bright and there was a slight breeze, making it a little cooler. Surprisingly, no one was out and about despite it being the weekend. Perhaps everyone was already where they’re supposed to be at?

“Are you bored?” asked the voice that broke into my musings.

Turning to the source, I shook my head and replied, “No, I was just thinking.”

“Oh alright. Well, let me know if you are, okay?”

“Okay, I will.”

With that short exchange, Seokjin returned his attention to his book.

We were currently inside his car, parked a few blocks down from their apartment. Apparently, he wanted some quiet time and since the members can get a little loud (understatement of the year), he decided to go “outside”, inviting me along in the process. I didn’t realize “outside” meant literally just that though, but this wasn’t so bad. The peaceful environment was a nice break from the usual chaos of hanging out with seven boys.

I wish I brought a book too though, or my sketch book,‘ I thought, disappointed. I’d ask Seokjin about the book he was reading, but he seemed so into it that it would probably be rude to interrupt him. Instead, I took out my iPod and opted for continuing to look outside the window. Pressing Shuffle Songs, I was pleasantly surprised that the first song to play was “24/7 = Heaven.” ‘How fitting that I’m listening to their song,‘ I thought and smiled.

~

I must have dozed off while listening to music because the next thing I knew, I was being slightly shaken awake.

“Hey, want to go back to the apartment so you can sleep more properly?” Seokjin asked, slight concern evident in his voice.

“Oh, no, it’s okay. I just dozed off a bit, ” I said. “I am a bit hungry though.”

“Let’s go back then. Maybe the members want to grab some lunch as well,” he said and put away his book, but not before marking the page where he left off.

I nodded in agreement. However, as he started the car, an idea popped into my head. “Hey, Seokjin?”

“Hmm?” He was putting on his seat belt now.

“Can I drive?”

That simple question stopped him momentarily. He then gave me a surprised look which eventually turned into a thoughtful one, like he was really thinking about it. A part of me was slightly offended that he didn’t trust me and my driving skills with his car. However, there was also a part of me that understood how he felt. After all, I did tell him about that one time I almost crashed my dad’s car into a fire hydrant. So yeah, his hesitation was completely understandable.

“Well, it’s only a few blocks. Sure, why not?” With that, he let go of his seat belt. Excited and happy, I reached over and gave him a quick hug before he got out of the car. “Thank you,” I said. Hey, it might seem like such a simple thing, but him agreeing meant a lot to me, and I hoped my actions (if not my words) conveyed that.

Returning the hug, he smiled and replied, “You’re welcome.”

A few moments later, we exchanged seats and I was finally behind the wheel. First, I checked if all the necessary parts were where they’re supposed to be. Signals, break, accelerator, etc. Okay, so far so good.

I must have looked weird because I then heard a slight chuckle from my only companion. “Do I look funny?” I asked, slightly embarrassed.

“A little, yes. But mostly cute,” Seokjin said with a smile.

Oookay, let’s not go there, Chris. In the first place, your driving skills aren’t that good so you can’t afford any distractions, especially if said distraction is a same-age friend. A good-looking same-age friend who happens to be in the seat next to you.

Crap.

Fighting the urge to turn red in embarrassment, I took deep breaths instead, which is actually a habit I developed whenever I start driving.

Now that my head was clearer, I was about to drive off when I voiced out my current dilemma.

“Um. Which way do we go again?”

~

What was supposed to be a 5-minute drive back turned into almost half an hour. Since I was driving already, Seokjin decided to let me practice a bit, especially turning, which I was bad at. I was really thankful because he was so patient with me and my slight panicking whenever something didn’t go right.

“WHERE DID YOU GUYS GO?!” was what greeted us upon opening the door to their apartment.

“Nice to be back too, Taehyung,” I replied and smiled. He pouted as a reply and as he opened his mouth to say something, Jimin pushed him out of the way. “Now that you’re here, let’s gooo~!” he said excitedly.

Confusion must have been written on mine and Seokjin’s faces because Namjoon filled us in: Yoongi was gonna treat everyone to lunch.

Oh. Cool! I was about to look for him and say my thanks when Namjoon continued talking. Apparently, Yoongi’s treat came at the price of him driving everyone to the place where we would be eating.

At this piece of information, our elation turned into horror. I mean, I know I don’t drive well (yet), but Yoongi was another story, which I really don’t want to go into. Suffice to say, it was bad enough to traumatize me, Seokjin, Namjoon, and even the ever-happy and hopeful Hoseok. Yes, it was that bad.

Seeing the looks on our faces, Jungkook asked, “What’s wrong? Is Yoongi-hyung’s driving a bad thing?” Unfortunately, nobody had the heart to tell him the truth, so we just resigned ourselves to our fate and ushered the younger members out the door and into the van we would be using. Sometimes I felt bad for the clueless younger ones..

Once everyone was piled inside the van, we waited a bit until finally, Yoongi arrived and greeted everyone with an energetic, “Are you guys ready?!” In response, the Maknae Line responded with an equally energetic, “Yeah!!”

I couldn’t help but chuckle at this exchange. It was normal for Jimin, Taehyung, and Jungkook to be lively, but Yoongi? Something good must have happened to bring about this sudden change so might as well let him do his thing.

Seokjin, who was sitting next to me, caught me laughing and looked at me. I just shrugged and smiled, hoping he’d get the message that I just want to let things be. I think he understood because he nodded and smiled as well.

With that, we were off.

The first few minutes of the ride weren’t that bad. Like most drivers, Yoongi didn’t really fully stop at each Stop sign, but that was pretty much it. In fact, his turns were much better than mine. I guess we were worried for nothing.

We were about to get onto the freeway. Unfortunately, traffic was very heavy that even the ramp for merging was backed up. We were still some hundred feet from the ramp when I noticed something.

We weren’t slowing down. At all.

Namjoon must have noticed it too because he said, “Hyung, can you ease up on the gas?”

Yoongi complied, but we were still barely slowing down. Perhaps he just removed his foot from the gas but he still hasn’t stepped on the brakes?

By now, Seokjin and Hoseok were also worried, and the younger members must have sensed our unease because they suddenly stopped playing around.

It was an uncomfortable silence, and I felt like everyone was waiting for someone to speak up or for something to happen. Fulfilling the former, Yoongi said, “Why so quiet, guys? Don’t worry, I got this.” This was coming from the person who was causing all this anxiety as we approached the last car in the ramp which was probably less than 200 ft from us then.

A beat. And then all hell broke loose.

All I heard was screaming (I was most likely involved) and chaos, but what stood out the most was the collective, “YOONGI (-HYUNG)!!!!!” followed by everyone lurching forward from a sudden (yet much needed) stop.

I quickly checked how everyone was. Jungkook, Jimin, and Taehyung at the back looked thrown off, but otherwise they looked unhurt. The same went for Hoseok who was sitting on Seokjin’s other side. As for Seokjin himself, I didn’t notice that he had grabbed my arm until he let go and mumbled a quick, “Sorry about that,” before turning away.

Looking ahead, I saw that Namjoon (who had been riding shotgun) was leaning at an awkward angle, with Yoongi looking quite offended. It took me a few seconds to realize that the reason for this scene was because Namjoon reached over and stepped on the breaks.

My first thought was, ‘Bless you and your long legs, Namjoon,‘ which was followed by, ‘Yoongi, you look offended. REALLY?!‘ I couldn’t really say the latter so I just asked out loud, “Is everyone okay?” I got a weak, “Yeah..” in reply.

At this point, Yoongi looked like he wanted to say something, but Namjoon cut him off, almost shouting, “Nope. That’s it, we’re switching seats, hyung. I don’t care if you don’t treat us anymore, but if it means everyone coming out of this trip unscathed, then so be it.”

Yoongi shot back a response, and it eventually escalated into an argument which was only stopped when the car behind us blew its horn because we were blocking traffic.

In the end, Seokjin drove because Namjoon didn’t have a license after all. Meanwhile, I was left with a sulking Yoongi and hyperactive-once-again Hoseok, Jimin, Jungkook, and Taehyung.

And so we lived for one more day.


All I can is WOW. My anxiety about driving on the freeway for the first time must be so bad that I even dreamed about it. On the upside, BTS was also in it. And it seems like Seokjin and I were pretty close? ㅋㅋㅋ

Edit: I just watched a radio broadcast of the group from March earlier this year and apparently, at that time, none of the members own a car. However, Seokjin and Yoongi do have driver’s licenses. So my dream was kinda true then, especially regarding my anxiety about driving. I just don’t know if Yoongi really sucks at it though. Hehe.

2013: The Year LVN Consumed My Life and I Failed to Keep in Touch (But I Got to Call People)

I was supposed to post this at the beginning of this year. I guess it didn’t happen. Oops. Just gonna post this as is then (except for the last paragraph which I just added now in order to..conclude this post).

~

So as I said earlier, here is a separate post to pretty much sum up what this past year has been for me. I have no idea how long this is gonna be because I’m pretty much just typing as I go along and try to remember significant moments these past 365 days of my life. So sit back, relax, and hopefully I don’t bore you to death, whoever you are.

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